Have you ever been at a point in your life where you had to make an important decision and found yourself floundering around for the right answer? Have you been faced with multiple decisions that absolutely have to be made and you feel like you are mired in mud? Well, I am at that point. I am at a pinnacle right now. I have a decision to make and it is a big one.
This is not a New Year’s resolution. I hate those words because they are so meaningless, at least for me. The decision I am making is a matter of life and death. I do have a choice and I believe this is the right time for me to make a choice for the positive. I can continue on this road of destruction or choose life again.
My resolve is to find a new way to live. I’ve had to choose life over and over again. I’ve gained strength each time I chose to live. Will I do it again? Well, I believe that this is the right time to make that decision to live without restraints. If I should fail again, I will not give up. I will keep on “trying.” Oh,that is another word I don’t like. Trying just doesn’t cut it. Either I will do it or I won’t. Trying invites failure.
Ultimately, can I see myself without a cigarette in my hand? Yes, I can see myself throwing them down, getting rid of them. Throwing them away. In a sacred loving way, this is the moment for me to quit smoking.
In this light and new thought, I have hope. I have new determination. I see myself in a different way. I can breathe deeply without coughing. I can see myself not having a cigarette after a meal, before a meal, after sex (well, that’s a hard one). I can see myself being free.
I have a few questions to ask myself. How am I going to nurture and love myself through the withdrawal of nicotine. What will I do with my hands? Well, I believe that for one thing, I will treat myself to a massage once a month. A massage is still cheaper than a carton of cigarettes. I will work on my art, photography and writing. I will join a gym and exercise, even if I hate the “e” word. I need to get my metabolism running again. I will be kind to myself and love myself for choosing life yet another time. I realize for the first time that I am doing this for me and not anyone else.
I am fortunate to have a great support group to be there for me when the temptations might be too great. Sort of like AA, I will take one day at a time. I have my wonderful psychiatrist, my loving therapist, my husband and my very best friend. I will stay in contact with them. I will LISTEN to them as they love and support me. I will use methods I’ve learned to ease the symptoms of withdrawal.
Yes, this is a decision of life and death. It is a decision I am willing to make. I feel a huge relief knowing that I am doing something really good for myself and my health.
I’m tempted to log in as someone else and leave anonymous support for you–as you already know I’m on your side. Alas I am here as myself–a bit less interesting than a secret cheerleader, but a cheerleader nevertheless. I believe in you Lin, and more than anything want you to experience the joy of breathing smoothly, enjoying the tastes and smells of your new and fresher world. I see a vision that is lush and green. You are in the middle of the most incredible field I have ever imagined. Rather than lying there, taking in the incredible view, you are there with an easel, a long brush in your hand. Your palette has every color of the rainbow and beyond. You dab the brush here and there, breathing deeply, creating the richly-hued masterpiece of your new life. Stunning!
Hey Lin!
My heart goes out to you. Good luck and I believe you can do it this time. You are a very fine writer and I enjoyed reading your post. I too, am at a place in my life where I’m trying to make some changes for the better. It’s a life long struggle.
Best of luck!
Ashlee–sending you support as well, for the changes you are making. Perhaps you will write on Smartly too?
thank you so much for your support! i am so grateful when someone says that in spirit they are with me through a thoughtful message like yours. I send you my support for whatever you are going through.
It’s appropriate time to make a few plans for the long run and it is time to be happy. I have read this post and if I may I wish to recommend you few attention-grabbing issues or tips. Maybe you could write subsequent articles regarding this article. I wish to learn more things approximately it!
I do appreciate your kind words about my article and I will possibly write more about the whole experience. I am receiving very good care and help from my therapist and psychiatrist and I am making small steps every day. My therapist uses a method called “Tapping” and it helps me a lot. If you are interested or curious, go to EFT.com and you will find out what it is about. Believe me it has helped me a lot. Thanks again for your comment.