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I used to have the moves like Jagger

02/06/2012 By Elizabeth Cassidy 3 Comments

I have to say that Maroon 5’s song, “Moves like Jagger “makes me just feel euphoric. I am even mad about the video that showcased all different walks of life doing their best liquid leg dance in honor of Mick Jagger. If I had been in LA last year, I might have cheered the brave ones strutting their stuff, but my heart and restless legs would have been longing to show all my moves like Jagger, the lead singer of the Rolling Stones. I don’t feel I should have to add “of the Rolling Stones” but I have met a few un-cool people in my life so this is for all you cave dwellers. Let’s put it this way – my late father knew who the Rolling Stones were. And he was just starting to get jiggy with Jay Z before he left to listen to Frank Sinatra live 24/7.

Okay, so I came up with the title, just ranted a little and then I had no idea where to go with this piece until someone posted this on Facebook:

“You all laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you’re all the same” – Author Unknown

These 13 words stopped me in my tracks. I know it is not easy to pigeonhole me, myself, and I, but this line captured me and my life…100%.

So before you take out your air violin, please know that I would not have it any other way. The near fatal doubts of my own self worth over the years came because people were uncomfortable being around me. Because of all their efforts, I became the extraordinary person I am today. Thank you. I hardly had to do any of the heavy lifting. I just sat back, collected my scars and observed people discovering that they were so, so ordinary.

Well, you are thinking, listen to her go on about how extraordinary she is.

I am.

I am tired of denying who I am. Something cracked open in me about six months ago. I am an artist who rediscovered her roots. I can create and I am good at it and getting better all the time. I write and sometimes I can be pretty damn funny and sometimes I look for ways to break your heart. It is not because I want to cause you pain. I just want to know that I can.

And sometimes we all need our hearts broken so we can change.

So I think my new mantra just might be, “I still got the moves like Jagger.”

In fact, Mick just called me about giving him some dance lessons. It’s about time.

© 2012 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Filed Under: Humor, Motivate Tagged With: , , , , , ,

When Computers go bad. A dip into the madness pool

12/05/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 1 Comment

Now that Gadhafi, Bin Laden and Saddam are dead, I would like to add people who put viruses into your computer on the shoot to kill list. I would gladly give them their last cigarette. I have two computers with all writings and artwork in for virus cleansing and deluxe exorcism. I am writing on my laptop and because I have long fingers, I keep hitting the caps lock key. It really makes it fun to type knowing that my spell check will be mocking me and it takes me five minutes to get through ONE SENTENCE. I just don’t have the strength to fix thAt.

I posted a version of the opening paragraph on Facebook the other day and I got this comment from someone who does not SHare my political views: But…but…but — you’re a peacenik, peace-loving, give-everyone-a-hug Liberal! Well, you know the old saying, “A Conservative is a Liberal who’s been mugged.” Oh, PleasE!!!

And since I am in a ranting, pissy, I am going to set my hair on fire kind of mood I got to say that what I said had nada to do with politics.  It has to do with bad people who live in the parents’ basement after the age of 40, who never dated and who rarely shower. They sit in their lair and dream about dating some starlet while corrupting other people’s computer. I bet some of them might even vote… for the best recipes using road kill.

I think, no, I know I can keep all MY liberal and compassionate leanings and still want to gather the townspeople to run these virus vampires out of town…or at least out of my hard drive.

So while I Wanted to write abouT important issues: the Occupy Wall Street movement, my session with a terrific medIUM and what gets on my last nerve, I have to sit around and wAit for my computer guru to take everything out and reinstall all my pROGRAms again. Twice. It makes a God fearing woman want to drink and when I meet one, I will tell her that wine in a box is the way to go. It doesn’t hurt as much when you  drop it on your drunken foot. Or so I have heaRD.

This is why I was been a NO SHow on line. It’s because someone else needs to find a new hobby and until he/she does some of us have got to figure out what life is like without a computer.

I think I might rEAd a book today, do SOMe drawings, maybe meditate, give myself a facial, go for a bike ride or let my annoyances just fade away and know that in a day or two, I will be asking the guy who sold me a smart phone how the hell to use it.

Not  that Steve Jobs has nothing better to do, but did my crack about nOT Owning a Mac have anything to do with my computers going BAD?

End of rant. I just uncovered my dark chocolate stash. It will help with the bad, bad mood.

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Follow me on Twitter at: EdgyCoach

Filed Under: Entertainment, Humor, New York, Politics Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

I am standing up for Kim Kardashian..

11/17/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 6 Comments

..Just leave the smelling salts right here. I don’t really know too much about Kim Kardashian and her exploits. Okay, I am lying. I know what is going on in her life more than I know what is going on in any of my sisters’ lives right now. How pathetic. I would like to not know anything, but you can’t get away from the news on Kim and Kris’ overly hyped wedding and now the marriage gone bad drama is upon us. (There are children starving in this country…maybe in your neighborhood).

I do know what is happening because the respectable news program I still cling to are slipping in the Kardashian Krap between Greece becoming our 51st state and the names of people turning 237 years old who are looking for love again. Hey Matt, Ann and Brian – you are killing our brain cells faster than our cell phones are.

I do know she had her butt x-rayed (there are more young men coming down with HIV/ AIDS because they think only older gay men get the disease) to prove she did not have an implant. What the hell. All who wanted to know if her butt was real or not, raise your hand. I will never donate a kidney to any of you. No women in my family would ever go to that extreme to prove that something was not real on us. Okay, I do lie about my weight and age but it is not news. In my world it is, but you’re not invited in. Unless your first name is Javier.

Kim and Kris’ 72 day old wedding should not be news. But don’t tell Kim’s mother who is out there pushing her tell all book along with chatting about whether her daughter should give back a two million dollar engagement ring. If Kris gave Kim a two million house, would she have to return that? I would say “yes” on both counts. (There are young girls who cut themselves because that is their only way of dealing with pain) I think there is something wrong with what Mama Chris Jenner is doing. I think I would tell my publisher that the book tour could wait because my child is in crisis. And this is coming from someone who never had children.

But since the Kardashians and every news outlet (I bet the Vatican TV Centre is all a buzz) has made it our business, I am going to come out and say that I am on Kim’s side about leaving her marriage. I am sure Kim will sleep soundly tonight knowing that I am finally on her side.

Why? Oh, please. Like you don’t know anyone who wants to leave their marriages because they are not happy. Maybe people are all up in the arms about this break up because while they are sitting in quiet desperation over a loveless marriage, Kim Kardashian decided to get out of one that does not appear to be working.

Is she supposed to wait for a respectable number of days, weeks and years to go by? Would that make the public go back into their lairs? Should she leave her marriage right before the golden anniversary blow out that I am sure the E! Channel will cover?

I did read in the New York Times that she listened to her intuition and prayed about what to do and if the answers were the same then the hell with what anyone else says. I am going to double-check, but I think I am lying about the New York Times. Please God.

I was in a couple of relationships that were supposed to end in marriage. How ironic – they were supposed to end marriage instead of begin in marriage. I know – too deep even for me. Each time I woke up in a cold sweat and I knew that it was never going to happen. I could hear people say under their breath, “there she goes again.” Sorry. I got one life and I am going to try to live it in a way that is mostly painless. Still waiting!

So I get it, Kim. I really do.

Now I got to go call a sister or two and see what’s up with them. If they mention the Kardashian marriage I will be putting myself up for adoption.

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Follow me on Twitter at: EdgyCoach

Filed Under: Entertainment, Humor Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Men are from Walmart. Women are from Nordstorm.

11/01/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 5 Comments

I am a snob. I inherited this trait from my father. Never got those blue eyes that could have helped me in the charm and disarming department.  No, I got the eye color that looks like mud on a spring morning and the snob gene.  I don’t really feel all that guilty about it. The snobby part that is.  I remember my dear old father proclaiming that if he died while in Walmart (where my mother used to drag him crying and screaming) that he would want his lifeless body driven over to Lord & Taylor’s where it would be placed ever so gently on their front steps. No New York Times obituary was ever going to state that he expired by the Bermuda shorts and novelty tee shirt department at Walmart.

The husband was getting ready for work the other day. He gets up at the ungodly hour of 5 AM which means that I might as well get up also. Lights, action and some low muttering about what one of my well behaved cats did during the night. Just charming. It’s like having all the really cool religious leaders sitting at the foot of my bed and going, “elizabeth, have a wonderful day. And you know all those things you wished for last night? Well, the UPS man will be delivering them to you today. And the Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus families want you to spend the holidays in Vail with them.” Notice they made no mention of Walmart. Even God knows that you can’t wash clothes from Walmart twice because they will melt together in the dryer. I have seen that happen.

Where was I? Oh, right the husband is getting dressed. And then he comes in to say “get up, you lazy witch” and I see him wearing a red baseball cap with a ghastly flame on the side, shorts with 17 pockets (and men say we carry big bags), tube socks and black sneakers. Oh and a tee shirt with De Kooning-like paint stains splattered all over it and a denim shirt finishes the ensemble. And he is leaving the house this way? Does he not realize that he is living with a snob? Oh, yes, he does.  I think he puts these outfits together as a way to punish me for marrying him. Running me over with his pick up truck 6 to 800 times would hurt less. And yes, he does have a pick up truck.  My membership to the Project Runway Fan club is in jeopardy. Tim Gunn – I can explain.

I know our mailman has got to be confused. I look at our mail and I am sometimes aghast and horrified. There are cute little kittens and puppies in need who are featured on envelopes that are stuck in between Outdoorsmen Love Quiche and I Have a Riffle and I Don’t Care How Cute You Are Quarterly. I just hate how my Instyle and Spirituality and Health magazines have to rub shoulders with Cabela’s fifteen pound catalogue that features camouflage thongs for men. With beer bellies.  I was asked if I would like anything from Cabela’s for Christmas. Who knew they have a divorce lawyer section right after the gun and pepper spray section – way in the back. Real small type.

Just for the record, the husband can look quite dashing when he applies himself.  And when he does, I don’t feel like the need to apply to the Snob Protection Plan. But I might try it out for six months.

Now please let me know if I am wrong about this, but who wears black shoes with a brown belt?

Give me a pair of shoes and belt that coordinate or give me death. Just plant my cold body by the entrance to Neiman Marcus’ jewelry department – by the sales items. I said I was a snob. Not stupid.

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

Filed Under: Humor, New York, Opinion Tagged With: , , , , ,

How Can I Get Old If I Refuse to Grow Up?

10/24/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 4 Comments

I have been saying for years that growing up, getting old and slipping into sensible shoes is someone else’s future. Not mine.  No levelheaded hair styles for me, and while I am at it, lose the “can I help you ma’am?” attitude. If I needed help, I would call upon any one of my admirers once those silly restraining orders against me have been lifted.

So the other day, I am going about my fantasy life and this little ditty shows up in my email box. I asked if the sender wanted to be identified and she foolishly said, “I don’t care.” So, this is Esme, my oldest friend. We have known each other since we were three when I came flying out of my parent’s house to inform Esme and her mother to stay off my property. The police report noted that I spat at Esme, but I think that was a gross exaggeration. At that age, I was still drooling on myself.

“You know what else I hate? Getting ready for bed. Between the going to the bathroom, brushing my teeth, using the water pic, going to the bathroom, removing the makeup- without which I can’t leave the house anymore- cleansing my face, going to the bathroom, applying numerous anti aging moisturizers, layer by layer because I figure if one doesn’t work, there are 10 more on top to cover for it, going to the bathroom, taking all my various medications and constipation remedies, checking the door and going to the bathroom, it takes me an hour and I’m already tired when I started. There is nothing good that I can think of about getting old.

I forgot to mention, I have to wear glasses if I want to see anyone more than 15 feet away from me and even in the last row of the movies, where I have to sit. They’re very stylish- Do you know how freaking old I feel? This is besides the other glasses that I have to wear if I’m interested in reading anything- like the labels on the increasing medications that I take – do you know how freaking old I feel?

Just a thought…….”

My, she does go on, doesn’t she? I have to admit I laughed my butt off and then I had to go the bathroom. The power of suggestion is very strong.

I am not immune when it comes to reaching my next birthday. Several years ago, I had to start to take Synthroid because I have a thyroid that refused to get down and give me 50 sit ups. I asked for how long I would have to take this medication and the doctor said “forever.” I started to cry.  So I am not Superwoman. I have to call my doctor out on this one. She told me I would start to lose those stubborn (fill in blank) pounds that were hanging around. Oh, really.  Does it say big, fat liar on your diploma?

And I do find it a little insulting when I go to a new doctor and they ask how many meds I am on and say “two.” They look at me as if this poor dear is losing it. How about good genes?

For as long as I have known Esme, and when we are not in a wine induced haze, we are sarcastic, intelligent, humorous, catty and self deprecating. The latter is to keep those aging police from coming to round us up. We kill them all with our charm.  Charm doesn’t age. Nor does it get brown spots. And in my world those damn spots are freckles. End of story. Oh, but before I really end it, the two of us can hold our own in a room filled with 30 and 40 year olds. Well, as long as they are men.

I can’t help Esme when it comes to wearing eyeglasses. I just look at them as accessories that keep me from falling down the stairs. Sort of like earrings with radar

Same goes with constipation remedies. To know my family, is to know that we do not have bodily functions. It was never discussed amongst my people. I see the ads for the whole assortment of things our bodies do or don’t do and wonder who are these people who take such things and why do they not live in my village?

So in closing, I want to say to all…what was I talking about?

Not!

Nature gives you the face you have at twenty; it is up to you to merit the face you have at fifty.
- – - – Coco Chanel

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Horrible Bosses – The Prequel

10/02/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 2 Comments

I have not seen the new movie, “Horrible Bosses.” I don’t need to see Jennifer Aniston in her underwear eating every variety of vegetable that screams of looking a tad phallic. When I go to the produce department at my local supermarket, I shy away from the HUGE cucumbers and zucchinis – not because they are all seeds, but because I don’t know how to pick them up without some guy looking over at me and winking.

So this is not about produce dos and don’ts, but about horrible bosses. And I have had a few. Haven’t we all?

The thing that upsets me about horrible bosses is not that these people shouldn’t be bosses because they are dreadful human beings (but a damn good reason), but because all the horrible bosses I have had were women. So much for sisterhood being powerful. I have been asking intelligent women I know about their horror stories about the miserable low life, the scum you scrap off the bottom of your shoe bosses and they said they were women.

Why are we doing this to each other?

My horrible witches –  am not using the word  boss anymore – they didn’t deserve the title and I am sure there are a few wonderful bosses who are women out there. Where?

I had one who made sacrificial lambs out of all the women in the department – one by one. There were no men in our department – it would have been nice if they had shared their findings with us. Could have prevented a lot of heartache. I thought she would have spared me since we knew some of the same people in the industry (and they told me their horror stories), but ,NO, my turn came. So when the other women in the department meekly asked me what my plan was, I did the only thing I could do. I hustled and found another job. But not before I reported her to the HR department and brought her up on religious discrimination charges.  And she got her butt whipped. You can’t be a horrible witch and break the law. Not around me you can’t. I have to say that all of those women went on working with her until she finally got fired. Just love ya, Karma.

And then I had the twin witches at the next company. How lucky can one girl get?  I went from one witch on wheels to the torturing duo – my own little two headed monster. Karma must have been on vacation or in jail.

They both started off saying lovely things about me. That was Mistake #1. Silly me, I never learn. I experienced a living hell with these women (who had procreated and did not eat all their young – how odd is that) and watched them trample the souls of the people who worked hard for them. Doing a good job and not putting something in the engine of their car was not enough. Making you feel like nada and making the occasional tear nosedive down your cheek was mother’s milk to them. My God, they loved to see us in pain almost as much as they loved causing it.

And how did they get away with it? Friends in high places who I can only assume loved to get their bottoms smacked by them. Just my theory, folks. I have no scientific evidence to prove my theory, just a strong gut feeling. But these higher ups turned a blind eye to the abuse and it was abuse. Karma would like to have a few words with you jackals. Karma didn’t make bail and is really quite annoyed with the world.

So I would like to put women bosses (well, the majority of them. I know there are some extraordinary ones out there. Where?) on notice. You do not beat on someone’s ego because you fear that people will find out that you are a fake. Breaking News: you are a fake and we knew it. The only difference between you and decent people is that you held our jobs in your hands. You should never have been able to dangle our essence on a pole while running down the hall with your hair on fire.

In the end, we may have needed antacids to get over you, but we will still have our dignity and people who like us. No matter how many times you made us cry.

And Jennifer Aniston, put some clothes on. I don’t feel like writing another “I hate my body” blog.

© 2011 My Views from the Edge ™

Please visit my site: My Views From The Edge

You can become a fan of mine on Facebook at:  elizabeth cassidy Views from the Edge with a Slice of Reality

Follow me on Twitter at: EdgyCoach

Filed Under: Humor, New York, Opinion Tagged With: , , , , ,

You know life is not fair when….

09/14/2011 By Elizabeth Cassidy 11 Comments

A man’s jeans are washed in hot water, dried on very high heat and then zip right up. With a woman’s pair of jeans, they must be washed in ice cold water, line dried and then the jeans must be pulled up by using the jaws of life while an exorcism is being performed. When it doesn’t work (and it never does), you jeopardize getting 10 points off your driver’s license for driving without benefit of jeans. Telling the officer that your dog ate your jeans does not work. I tried.

Your husband buys a new vacuum (because you won’t be caught buying appliances that don’t resemble a flat iron) and after he does a test run (forgetting that there is space under the bed where dastardly things congregate) he mutters something about it being a gift for you! You end up losing sleep, debating whether to smother him with his own pillow as he dreams about being held captive by an army of dust bunnies whose leader is Jennifer Lopez. Go with 2 pillows. It’s quicker.

Some people from the west coast feel the need to make fun of us eastcoasters because we only experienced a 5.9 earthquake. You guys are just so tough, aren’t you? Come to NY. I will show you what survivor mode is all about and then we can get some wine and make fun of everyone. And the east and west coast really need to get along because when the middle states secede from the union, with Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman as their leaders, and relocate somewhere south of Australia, we will only be about 22 minutes from each other.

New Jersey will become the penal colony for any of the people who appeared in the Housewives of NJ, Jersey Shore and Jerseylicious. Snooki – your striped Juicy New Jersey sweat shorts are ready. So, sometimes life is fair.

You take your dog outside so she can take care of business and one of your cats pees on living room rug because the dog tried to take one of their cat beds outside with her. She is a yellow lab and there is a law that you cannot get mad at a yellow lab- they are so sweet and sensitive – it’s a good law. And the most fulfilling part of this is telling the husband (because we share everything – not) and then I get to sit down and watch his head detach from his neck and spin all over the room like a dancing dervish. Yeah, I love that part.

Razors made for women (someone out there did the research- these blades are for babes) cut so deep into the back of your ankle (you know the spot where there really is no skin) that you start to pass out from the blood lost. I am experiencing that right now and have to stop so I can write up a will while I still have the strength. I am leaving all the rugs to the cats.

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