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The Spider and the Writer

The first time I read Charlotte’s Web, I was six.  My first grade teacher had pointed it out to me in the Scholastic Book order form, and when I begged my mom to order it, she smiled, disappeared for a few minutes, and returned with a worn hardback she had been saving for me.  I grinned and headed straight for my favorite wingback chair in the living room.

I don’t know how long it took me to read it, but one evening not too much later, my mother found me in the same chair sniffling and wiping away tears.  I had had no idea that a book could have anything but a happy ending—Charlotte’s death was just too much to bear.  It was the first time I had been utterly transported by reading.  I must have read it half a dozen times over the next few years—my own effort to resurrect my friend Charlotte.  I could recite the first three lines from memory.

Almost thirty years later, my four-year-old daughter picked up the animated video of Charlotte’s Web at the library and wanted to check it out.  I couldn’t stand the idea of having her see it on screen before reading the book, so I promised to read it to her instead.

Over the next few weeks, I read a chapter to her each night at bedtime.  I had forgotten (or had I taken for granted?) how eloquent the prose was and how unsentimental the message.  Just like old times, (and much to my daughter’s puzzlement), I blubbered through the last two chapters.

Charlotte’s Web is a book about friendship, about wonder, and about the power of the written word. When I was a little girl, I was hooked from the first line:  ”Where’s Papa going with that ax?”  I worried about that sweet pig and hoped desperately that Charlotte would save him.  But now, it’s not the first sentence, but the last that stays with me:  “It’s not often in life that someone comes along who is a true friend and a great writer.  Charlotte was both.”  Indeed.

Wilbur may have made me a reader, but it was Charlotte who made me a writer.

Who needs a sub?

A few weeks ago I was at my daughter’s basketball scrimmage.  Even though it was a scrimmage, they were playing hard.  The girls were getting winded, and there were a couple on the bench eager to get in.  The coach asked, “Who needs a sub?”

I was sitting right behind him and answered, “I do.”

He didn’t hear me.  And he didn’t have a sub for me anyway.  But it got me thinking — wouldn’t it be nice if life were a little more like sports?

There would be subs.  That alone makes it worth it.  After being up until 4:30am with sick and crying kids, what mother wouldn’t love a substitute mother to take over and get everyone up and off to school in the morning so she could recover?

There would be a clear definition of the goals.  In sports you work to score more points (less in golf) than your opponent.  But sometimes in life we work and work only to find out that we were working toward the wrong goal.  We thought we were headed in the right direction, but somewhere along the line we got lost.

There are also clearly defined rules.  Every sport has its rules and a governing body to set and enforce those rules.  Life can be vague.  Moral dilemmas occur in which we’re just not sure what the proper choice is.

You always know who your opponent is.  In football or basketball, you know who not to throw the ball to — their clothes are a different color than yours.  You know that they are working against your better interests.  Unfortunately, life isn’t always so clear about this.  Sometimes you spend a long time relying on and trusting another person only to have them turn on you and stab you in the back when it’s to their advantage.

Conversely, you have a team, you know who they are, and you are working toward the same goal.  When you are in heavy coverage, you can pass to someone else.  Sometimes in life we don’t have a very strong team.  Or we aren’t all playing the same game.

In sports you have a coach.  You have someone who is more experienced who can teach you and guide you.  Someone who can tell you what you’re doing wrong and how to fix it.  And who can direct others to help you.

You have fans.  There are people watching who are hoping you do well.  They are cheering for you.  They share your disappointment when things don’t go well.

Okay, it’s a loose comparison.  And I know you are going to say that some of these things are available in life if we’d only take advantage of them.  A spouse, friend, grandparent = a sub.  The law, police officers, judges, God = rules and a governing body.  A mentor, a parent, a grandparent, God = a coach.  Your interpretation will vary depending on your personal feelings and beliefs.

So if these things are available, do we take advantage of them?  Would your life be better if you thought of it as a sport and looked for these elements and opportunities?

I imagine it would.  I don’t think it would solve everything, but perception is important and every little bit helps.

What I want is my own personal commentator; and every time I accomplish something difficult I want him to shout, “GOOOOOOOOOOOAL!”

Photo by Salvatore Vuono. Provided by FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Read more from Robin here.

Getting it right

“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” – James Joyce

I believe in the institution of marriage.  That might sound funny coming from a guy who has been married four times and divorced three, but there it is.  Consider it practice.  In the midst of my previous failures, I learned some valuable lessons that have made my current and final union the type of relationship I always dreamed marriage could and should be.

I learned that you should never let your wife go to bed by herself.  There is nothing so important at 9 or 10 o’clock at night that’s worth letting the woman you love go to sleep alone in a cold bed.  Your video game, your football game, your project—all of these things can wait.  They have their place, for sure.  But when darkness falls and the world slows down, your wife should never feel like spending time with her takes second place to anything.

I learned that winning a meaningless debate is a cold victory indeed.  You may have smugly chalked up the last word,*  but now you also have what seems like an impenetrable wall of silence between you and your wife that just gets bigger as the night wears on.  Feelings of anger and self righteousness soon give way to those of foolishness and self recrimination.  Suddenly being right about who was the oldest Golden Girl seems less vital.

I learned what it means when you say that your spouse is your best friend.  It’s a phrase that has been over used.  Everybody says it.  How many people actually mean it?  You have to feel it deep in your psyche or it means nothing.  Being your wife’s best friend means that she has dwelt for so long in the deepest corners of your soul that for all intents and purposes, she is your soul.  She will always take your part and forever give you the benefit of the doubt, as you will her.  This is a bond that matures over time and without it, all the love in the world is meaningless.

Finally, and most importantly, I learned that I am with my wife because I want to be. She is with me for the same reason. Our worth as human beings is not validated by our relationship.  Rather, it is the other way around—our wonderful and growing relationship is a product of our own feelings of self worth and contentment.  If you’re not happy with yourself you cannot be happy with anybody else.

I’ve  made some mistakes in my time, but mistakes are merely lessons learned.  I am where I am because of them, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

* In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I rarely get the last word because my beautiful wife is usually right.  I mention the possibility for illustrative purpose only.

What I Wish They’d Told Me About Motherhood

Recently I visited a friend of mine who just had a baby to visit. We chatted about how things were going for her, how she was adjusting, sleeping, etc. While sitting with her, I kept thinking of all the things I was told about motherhood when I was pregnant, and all the things I wish people told me.

During pregnancy we’re bombarded with stories, pearls of wisdom, well wishes, and bits of advice from friends, relatives, in-laws, co-workers, and any person who’s ever had, been around, or seen a child. Breastfeeding is the ideal, the gold standard, they say, and any mom in her right mind must do it, it’s the most natural thing on Earth. Best for baby, best for mom, and you do want to have an eternal bond with your baby, now, don’t you?

No broccoli, coffee, chocolate, or spicy food, or cursing, it gives the baby gas.

Make sure you play with baby 2.5 hours each day with developmentally stimulating toys, and play Baby Mozart DVDs to make sure those neurons develop right.

Organic sheepskin bibs and burp cloths only, please, and get that kid on a sleep schedule!

Then we’re given this picture of absolute joy, and are told motherhood is the most amazing experience, an almost heart-stopping surge of happiness and love about to hit us like a tsunami. I imagined just falling into my new role seamlessly. I pictured the post-birth scene endlessly, holding my warm bundle, instantly bonding with him then and there.

I wish they’d been more honest with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my child more than anything. Never doubt it for a minute. But I just wish someone had been a little more honest about the frustrations, the fears, the chaos that comes with becoming a mom. It would have made the transition a lot easier.

For instance, no one ever told me that postpartum depression is real. I mean, really real.

As I struggled to adapt to a new baby, new schedule, new body, and not being able to sleep, eat, or pee whenever I wanted, I unknowingly slipped into a dark cloud of despair. Is it always going to be like this? I wondered. Am I always going to be held to 3 hour time increments, be tied to this house, or struggle to get a decent shower? Am I ever going to feel pretty again? How does everyone else do it??I was angry that my world was turned so completely upside down, taking my sense of self along with it. I kept thinking of what my life was like before, and intensely envied all those around me who weren’t tied to a breast pump. But I couldn’t tell anyone that. What kind of mom would they think I was if they knew what I was feeling, what I was thinking?

There were moments where I was so overwhelmed by the fact that my life had changed so drastically beyond my control that I often refused to pick up my crying baby, and I’d beg my husband to take care of him. I’m too tired, I’d say, when I wasn’t. I just thought, maybe if I ignore it all, it will all go away.  I’d be back to my old life and have some control back, some familiarity. I’d be me again. I’ll wake up from this surreal dream and have my life back.

I reached my breaking point one night after a massive poop blowout at 2 am where exhausted hubby and I had to change an entire crib bedding with a cranky 3-week-old in tow. I broke down into tears, painful, gut-wrenching tears, and curled up into a pitiful ball on the floor in front of his crib after my husband realized I couldn’t handle it right then. I sobbed so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, and I screamed at myself for being so weak, and so selfish. I apologized over and over to him for being stuck with me as his mother. I told him I was sorry I didn’t bond with him right away, sorry that I thought about giving him up because I was so afraid of him, sorry I wasn’t the mom he deserved.

Eventually I got over my depression. Literally. After being on Prozac for all of two days, I realized one morning that I could do the laundry with my son in the Baby Bjorn, and just like an epiphany, it hit me that I could manage my life just fine with a baby. Something as mundane as laundry was so familiar, so part of my old routine, yet gave me the reassurance that I could do all that I used to before baby. I could enjoy showers normally, I could eat meals at the table without jumping at every little sniffle he made, I could exercise again, wear stylish clothes, listen to music, watch movies with my husband, be me, and still be a good mom.

See what no one told me is that the transition is hard. You expect to jump back into your same old routine after the birth, but the thing is, it’ll never be the same routine again. Everything’s changed, and it’s all about letting yourself have time to adjust to this new life, this new person. It takes time, but once you do, you feel like yourself again, and you realize you’re still you; just with an added blessing.

Two years later I’m still learning to be a mom. You never stop, and nothing makes you take a good, hard look at who you really are like having a child. I may never have it all perfectly together, and that’s okay. I’ve let go of the pressure to be the ideal mom and I just do my best, and I love him so much my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest.

I wish someone had told me before that that’s more than okay.

Vanity isn’t always a bad thing. Really.

130…132…135…stop! stop! I thought to myself as I watched the little green digital numbers creep their way up in front of my eyes. When the numbers finally stopped I uttered more than a few four letter words at the scale and drew in a deep sigh as I leapt off of it, eager to see those numbers disappear forever. I then looked at my morose expression in the mirror, my large nose, my blah-colored hair, and all the other flaws that only I truly see stare back at me. When are you going to stop this? I thought to myself. Why can’t I just be happy being me and with what I look like?

As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to look like someone else. When I was in the second grade I wanted to have straight brown hair (mine is darker and wavier) and glasses (I have 20/20 vision), because the object of my affection’s object of affection had straight brown hair and wore glasses. In middle school I wanted to wear knee-high socks and hoop earrings because I remember how two gorgeous seventh-graders in my class wore just that to PE class every day and looked like goddesses (or what it seemed like to me at the time). In high school I wanted to be rail thin and eat whatever I wanted (I’m not and I can’t), because one of the most popular girls in school could eat all the junk she wanted, still fit into a size two, and always had a string of boys in tow.  This led to a years-long nasty relationship with food that I eventually broke free from. I even used to pray when I was little that God would make me beautiful when I grew up; something along the lines of  “and please make me look just like Jennifer Connelly when I get older ” was what I said, because I remember having watched The Labyrinth some ten times, having been so enchanted and jealous that someone could be so pretty. It was like she hogged all the “pretty” in the world for herself and left none for me. I prayed and asked to be transformed, like some ugly duckling turning into a swan.

Being women many of us are used to this kind of thinking. We always wish to change things about ourselves, and desire what we don’t have; if we have straight hair we curl it, if we have curly hair we get a Brazilian blowout, if we’re stick thin we get crazy butt injections, and if we’re curvier we diet and exercise like crazy to lose it all. This type of vanity can become a crazy desire to be something we’re not, to look like someone we aren’t.

For years I wished I were rail thin/had a smaller waist/ had blonde hair/had blue eyes/had a smaller nose, etc. I remember thinking as I looked at some of my gorgeous friends that wow, I wonder what it would be like to look like her? Wouldn’t life be so much easier? Thing is, I’ve never been told by anyone that I’m completely hideous or anything. In fact, I’m probably fairly decent looking and am petite, with a curvier, more athletic build. But we know how that goes; we’re our own worst critics, our own worst enemies.  To me I was never enough. Never thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. I would always think to myself, if I just had the face of a Victoria’s Secret model and a J.Lo body, my life would be SET. I mean, it would be SET! I wouldn’t have to worry about anything!

After a recent ride on the weight loss/weight gain/self doubt train in which I vowed yet again to metamorphose into a completely different version of myself, I asked a male friend whose opinion I really value what he thought of “curvier” women like Mariah Carey, because I land more on her end of the spectrum than the oh, say, Keira Knightley end. I mean, let’s face it, Miss Carey is gorgeous, but not tiny. What threw me was that the same guy who once told me he was into “teeny tiny girls” then said with enthusiasm ,“oh, she looks goooood!”. Huh? When I questioned him on it, he said that every girl is different, and it’s the girl who makes herself sexy, not where her curves, or lack thereof, sit.

I became frustrated as I thought, so one minute men want some model-thin girl, the next they want a girl with junk in the trunk? Standing there on that scale I then came to a realization: if I’m always chasing an another person’s ideal, it will never be attainable and I will never be satisfied, because one day that ideal will be a thin, Gwyneth Paltrow-like body that people want, the next it’s Kim Kardashian’s curves that are all the rage.  I will always chase after someone else’s look and never learn to appreciate my own, which I should do because ultimately I can never look like anyone else because I’m not anyone else. I’m only me. You can’t waste precious time obsessing or bemoaning the fact that you don’t look like some celebrity or someone else in a pair of jeans, because life is too short to obsess over something so trivial. Sure, I still want to look my best and be proud of what I look like, but I’ll continue to workout and dress myself up to play up my hair, my body, my features, my personality, my traits. Women need to take pride in what they look like, what they have to bring to the table, and not lament the fact that they don’t look like someone else. Impose a little of that type of vanity on themselves, in a good way, to bring out that self-respect and pride in what they have to offer.

I thought of the way my son runs up to me after a long day at work, with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes. He doesn’t see the back fat, the stretch marks from carrying him, the way I think my nose appears bigger when I smile too widely. He just sees his mama, who he sees as completely perfect in his eyes. Stooping down to pick up that scale, I made my way to the closet to put it away and I thought, maybe it’s time I view myself the same way.

Progress

My weight is something I’ve always been aware of; I often felt large next to my friends. While most of them were sizes two and four, I was always somewhere between a size 10 or size 12.

When I went off to college, I gained more than the average “Freshman Fifteen”, and my second year of college was no different. I spent the following summer at college, taking summer classes and working two jobs. It was a crazy, stressful three months. My boyfriend left for Iraq, my courses were much more intense than I had expected, and between my two jobs I never got enough sleep. By August, I had probably gained an additional 10 pounds, at least.

While home for one week before fall classes started, I asked my mom if she and my dad would be willing to help me pay to join a diet program.

I really applied myself to the weight-loss program, and by the first week in March 2005, I had lost nearly 30 pounds. I had never felt more confident or happy with my body.

Then it all fell apart.

I was off the wagon, and hard as I tried, I just couldn’t get it together. I was terrified of putting the weight back on; I had only just reached my goal.

I began making myself throw up mid-March. Whenever I would eat something that wasn’t on my diet plan I would gag myself until it was gone.

Sure, I knew better. I had written a paper on eating disorders in high school, but to me – a desperate dieter who felt that my weight was directly related to my value as a person – it seemed like the quickest fix.

Two weeks later, on my 21st birthday, I remember sitting on the floor of my apartment bathroom, having just thrown up my dinner. I was thinking how pathetic it was, making myself sick, on what should have been a really fun day. And it finally hit me, just how stupid my actions were.

I never did it again.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get my eating habits in order, and over the next 13 months, between the combination of being unemployed, moving back home to no friends, no boyfriend – no life, really, I managed to gain 60 pounds.

60 pounds. It is terrifying admitting to that.

Since then, I have lost some of that weight, although it is still a constant struggle for me. I go up and down all the time. If I had a dollar for every diet I have tried, and every prayer I have prayed, asking for some semblance of self-discipline, I would be a rich gal.

Thankfully, as I have gotten older, I have learned that my self-worth has nothing to do with how much I weigh. I have also developed a greater appreciation of my body as a whole, and its many capabilities – the most notable of which is giving birth to my two sons.

I have the love of a wonderful husband, who is proud of me and wants me, regardless if I am a size six or a size 16. And I have two amazing sons who find just as much worth in me as their mom, no matter how my weight may fluctuate.

Still, I hope to someday be satisfied with that number on the scale. I guess I am just a work in progress.

If J.A.’s Liver Could Talk

Hi!  I’d like to introduce myself.  I’m J.A.’s liver.  Pickle anyone?  You’ll have to excuse me– I am a little punchy this morning.  It was another late night.

We livers work 24/7.  We have a mission—to clean blood.  We’re drones– we know what to do and we do it.  We listen and hardly ever complain.  A liver’s life is fulfilling, gratifying.  It’s not glamorous, but we know how vital we are.  I know—another liver-pun.  Feel free to stop reading.

But I’m complaining now.

I’m no Jiminy Cricket, but if I were, I’d sit on J.A.’s shoulder, present him with big, stiff, donkey ears and shout, “Stop Drinking Asshole!” as loudly as I could (no offense to literal assholes, often called Anuses, which are essential to social acceptability).  I’d add, “That stuff you’re swallowing?  You should SEE what’s actually happening to the environment down here whenever you consume more than I can handle.”

Would that make him stop?  I doubt it.  His brain tells me he’s not ready.

While we’re on the subject, J.A.’s brain has been strangely lately, sending all kinds of weird electrical impulses to his hands, making them shake and wrinkle and yellow.  His brain is keeping his hands busy though, lifting glasses of poison to his lips, fingering lighters, igniting cigarettes in smoke filled garages with motorcycles and cars and tools.  His lungs, normally soothing, rattle and knock.

I can’t speak for other livers, but most don’t have gray matter or hard folds like I do.  They have it pretty good.  I get tired easily now (cough, cough) and need to take breaks.  When I take a break, J.A. goes to sleep too, sometimes in a bed, sometimes in a chair and sometimes in a puddle of blood in his living room, face down.

I, J.A.’s Liver, would really, really, like is some real food!  His stomach growled that he’s hungry, but he can’t feel anymore.  Numbed, helpless it shrinks; his defiant gut creating an illusion of largeness.  His body unfed with nutrition, rips from his muscles, his intestines and his heart, atrophying them all, stymieing their processes of life.  Food would absorb some alcohol, which would slow down my assembly line and fuel me.  Presently, I am overwhelmed,  like Lucy and Ethel on “I Love Lucy” in the chocolate factory episode,  stuffing  their bras with morsels, trying to keep up with the candy flow and failing, comically, miserably.

I am born into a wonderful man, husband, father and a grandfather.  But I am living in a vacant, stumbling, shaking Being, who peed on his wife’s back during the night once and thinks it’s funny.  I know him, intimately, and he is so much more than an alcoholic.

What will become of me?  I work, but like an overburdened homemaker, there’s always more to do.  I’m aging like a grape in the sun, shriveling, compacting and drying.  He’s killing me and doesn’t realize it.

I appealing to all his senses now, but he’s too drunk to notice.

Wake up, J.A!

I’ll have to pencil myself in….

Does your schedule look like this? Mine typically does. For most working moms (and, I must say in all fairness, working adults and/or adults in general) days are normally like this. Where you literally have to pencil in things like a nap, call your mother, or maybe even remembering to breathe(ok, maybe not that. But on some days, almost).

With all the demands of work, school, family, kids, trying to cook and eat healthy, trying to exercise, get the requisite 8 hours of sleep, maintain a great marriage, maintain relationships with friends and acquaintances, and find downtime for ourselves (ha!), is it any wonder that we’re left feeling completely and utterly exhausted? I mean, think about it, now more than ever before we’re expected to be as physically and mentally productive as possible, because with the advent of Google, smart phones, Facebook, Twitter, and all the many ways of being connected and transferring information, we are now, more than ever, busier, more stressed, and maxed out than ever before.

So why do we have so much to do, so little time, and more stress and, consequently, anxiety because of it? Because we’re all striving to be more productive, more successful, make more money, do more, see more, feel more, experience more. Think about it: in our world today we’re told that we have to be thinner, more attractive, more well-rounded, have a hobby, participate in organizations, be smarter and more successful all the time. Sometimes as adults we place insurmountable amounts of pressure upon ourselves to be stellar parents, employees, friends, spouses, you name it. We’re supposed to somehow sleep a restful 8 hours, exercise at least 30-60 minutes a day, work a fully productive 8 hour day, prepare a nutritious dinner, spend quality, perhaps educational time with our kids, spend quality time with the spouse, attend to some sort of hobby because it’s good for the soul, feed the hungry and save the world all before bed. Or something to that extent.

I remember as a kid telling my parents, every summer as there was no school work to occupy my time, that I was “bored”. My parents would return with an amused/incredulous look of “oh, really?” and would say something to the effect of “well, enjoy it now before you have to grow up”. I never understood what they meant then, I mean, to me, grown-ups had it made: eat whatever you want, sleep whenever you want, go wherever you want. Sounded like cake to me!

Flash forward past school, a full-time job, husband, toddler, and 20 years later and I know all too well what they meant. I try to be the best mom by spending as many waking minutes with my son as possible, making sure each moment has some bonding and/or educational element to it. I try to be the best employee by doing the research needed, participating in work functions, volunteering for projects, and offering to take on more. I try to be the best wife by spending as much time with my husband as possible, making sure we have deep, meaningful conversations over everything from our sex life to who ate the last ice cream bar….again. I try to be the best friend I can, going to as many social outings/birthday parties/baby showers/moms night out as I can. Finally, after all the checks are off my list, I find an inkling of time for me, by when I am so exhausted all I want to do is sleep.

Sound familiar? Sure it does. I realized I needed more balance and rest when I attempted to pour juice on my cereal (sticky mess), sent my toddler to day-care without shoes (apparently they don’t like that sort of thing), and when I burst into uncontrollable tears after my husband asked if I wanted him to buy toilet paper at the store(no explanation for that one). I am a type A busybody/social butterfly/ over-acheiver by nature, so I actually like being busy and doing things I love. I want to be the best “ME” I can be. But to do that I need to find some balance, some rest. Some time where I don’t check my email on my phone or answer texts, where it’s just me and nothing else. I have to learn how to schedule in that “ME” time as high a priority as I would work or a social commitment I’ve made. Because if I don’t, I assure you, I’ll hit the wall, and that ain’t pretty. Strive to be your best, of course, we all should. Just don’t kill yourself in the process.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fold clothes while I answer my emails, wash dishes, and talk to my mother on the phone…

Real simple for the barely functioning

DISCLAIMER:  This is not real advice.  Do not follow it.

***

I love Real Simple magazine.  I like to read it and dream.  I dream about a day when I will have the time, energy, and money to carry out all the wonderful ideas it gives me.  A day when my husband takes the kids and all the pets and goes far, far away.  For several days.  And I have no other obligations.

But reality, in all its wisdom and cruelty, slaps me in the face and I wake up.

So, here I offer my version.  Real Simple for the Barely Functioning — like me.

You walk through your world in a haze, one pile of stuff blending into the next.  Everything and everyone crying for your attention.  What to do?  Where to start?  How do you find the motivation when it feels like life is living you instead of the other way around?

Here’s your motivation:  The stress is your enemy!  Plain and simple.  You must vanquish it to survive.  And you must fight dirty.

Let’s get started.

Mail:  If it doesn’t contain money or isn’t from someone you love, throw it away.  All of it.  If it’s important, they’ll send you another one.  People who want your money will keep trying.  If you’re worried about identity theft, burn it instead.  That will be more satisfying anyway.  You will feel immediate superiority.  You won!

Email:  Delete it.  All of it.  Just start over.  There’s nothing prettier than an empty inbox.  Just like with snail mail, if it’s important they’ll send it again.  Plus now you have legitimacy when someone asks if you did what they asked and you say that you never got their email asking you to do it.  It’s the answer you want to give most of the time anyway; why not make it the truth?

Voice Mail:  Really?  Do I have to even type this?  You know what I’m going to say.  Delete it.  All of it.  Scan your caller id, if you must.  If there’s anyone there you really want to talk to, call them back and find out what they wanted.  But I’ll bet you find mostly irritating people that you didn’t want to think about, let alone talk to.  Now you don’t have to.

Dishes:  This one requires a little work upfront but will help in the long run.  Wash all the dishes in the house.  Stay up all night if you have to.  Then lock them up.  In anything that requires a key.  How about an old hope chest?  (I hope I don’t have any more dirty dishes.)  And buy disposables.  Paper plates.  Plastic spoons.  Everything and anything that will prevent you having to do dishes.  Push aside that desire to be environmentally responsible for a while.  We’re talking about your sanity here.  Sacrifices have to be made.  Besides, it’s temporary.

Nothing to cook with, you say?  No problem.  This fits in fine with my meal plan.  You won’t be cooking.

Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner:  One trip to the store for the week, except for dinners.  Tailor specifics to your needs.  Breakfast is cold cereal.  Lunch is a sandwich.  Dinner is Little Caesar’s pizza.  Every day.  For at least a week.  Depending on your beliefs, you may need to buy double the pizza on Saturday and refrigerate it for Sunday.  Every time someone asks what’s for dinner, you have the answer.  No thinking.  And someday when you decide to cook again, they will be grateful instead of turning up their noses.  Make sure you continue this meal plan long enough.  If they gripe when you start cooking again, then you didn’t do it long enough.  Try again.

Fewer decisions.  Less pressure.  Less mess.

Breathe!  Again, deeper this time.  Breathe!  Doesn’t that feel great?  Nothing like making the tough decisions to give you a little breathing room.

Maybe you would never really do any of these things.  But be honest, it feels good just to imagine yourself doing them, doesn’t it?

Read more from Robin on her personal site here.

Christians

I am a Christian. A real, Christ following, Bible Reading, Praise singing Christian. I acknowledge Jesus as my Savior, and try to live by God’s power in the day to day life He has given me. I also have many moments where I am a fallen, sinful wreck of a person. I make mistakes, hurt people unintentionally, get jealous and prideful and say things that I shouldn’t. So….I understand why people can be put off by Christians sometimes. I understand that the church is not always what it should be (and by church I mean those that claim to have faith in Christ). I realize that many Christian leaders have begged you for your time, money and votes only to turn around and disappoint you with some adulterous scandal moments later. I get that Christians are not always involved in righting the injustices of the world. I realize that we sometimes have double standards, seem overly critical and judgmental and boycott too loud at some of the most inappropriate times.

I get it……

But….

I also get that Christ is the point of Christianity….not Christians. While Christians should be more like the Christ that we claim to follow, myself included, we are all fallen, sinful people…..just people! We make mistakes, hurt people, get jealous, and prideful and say and do things that we shouldn’t…..but Christ wasn’t like that. So if you are going to judge Christianity…..judge it on it’s actual claims….you know…the ones in the Bible….the ones that depict Christ’s life, and the life that we as believer’s should be pursuing.

There are real believers out there who in the midst of their sin have moments where you can truly see the heart and mind of Christ. There are believers who are capable of having moral standards outlined in the Bible, while loving those that disagree with them. There are believers who are part of righting the world’s social injustices, and showing those around them the love and grace that Christ has extended to them personally. There are believers who are in process, living life, trying to figure out what it means to walk by faith and be the hands and feet of a Savior who has impacted every generation in every part of the world. There are some out there….

I pray daily that I would be one…..and that everyone would have the opportunity to know one!

But…..if you come across someone who looks nothing like Jesus but says they believe…..I ask that you would consider this….. while some of us might not be the best representation of Christ (and trust me, I am not condoning being a poor representative!!!)….believers are in fact just that….a mere representation…we are not the Original…we are not what it is all about!!…The Original can only be found  in the person of Jesus Christ…and the greatest source of information on that subject is the Bible…where the real-deal Christianity lies…reading that will hopefully present a better picture of what this Christianity thing should be all about!

You can read more by Danielle at her personal site here.

The list

Julie and Julia. Last Holiday. The Pursuit of Happyness. Many movies revolve around the concept of determination and the pursuit of our dreams, and as we watch the main characters fight to accomplish their innermost dreams we leave practically screaming at the screen,  saying, “Yes! Yes, you can do it! Don’t let them stop you!”. They leave us with the sense that maybe, just maybe, if we put the pedal to the metal in our own lives, we can actually get the job/lose the weight/start the business/ or conquer the fear.

I was left with just this feeling after watching “Julie and Julia” the other day. Amy Adams plays Julie Powell, a woman lost in a meaningless job, who “finds herself” through accomplishing the task of cooking all the recipes in Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking cookbook in one year while writing a blog about it. Eventually, after overcoming some obstacles, arguments, and the occasional meltdown, she completes the task, gains a massive blog following, and becomes a writer, her dream job. All the while the story of how Julia Child (played by Meryl Streep) became a groundbreaking chef parallels Powell’s story. In the end Powell becomes an author, Julia Child overcomes the odds to become the culinary icon she is today, and we are all empowered to pursue our dreams, if at least for the next week or so.

I asked myself, as I was watching all of this, if this movie was written for me. One line in particular from the movie struck me, where Powell herself admits she is afraid to start the blog, because,“let’s face it, I never really finish anything I start.” With that, I pull out The List. You know. The List. We all have one. The list we usually make every January 1st, which ends up lost in a pile of junk mail by February 1st. The one with goals to reach, dreams to make reality, the one where you said to yourself as you wrote things down, THIS is what my life is supposed to be like!

I’ve had the same list for some time now. Lose weight, be more appreciative, take my parents on their dream vacation someday, travel the world, and, of course, become a writer/editor for a major publication. Some things, if not all, continue to make the list year after year, and as I scan this list again I think to myself, what the hell is the point of making these lists when I never check anything off of them? Is it the fear of failure? Mmm, yeah, probably. That has to be the biggest factor in why we don’t all go out and become what we imagined we’d be when we were 10 years old. The fear of going for something, failing at it, or being laughed at by others can be paralyzing. The thought of people ridiculing us and the doubt people can place in our minds just by making comments like, “Are you kidding? YOU wanna do WHAT?” can be enough to keep us from becoming what we really want to be.

Maybe that voice of ridicule or doubt is our own. We say to ourselves, Yeah right! I’m not pretty enough/smart enough/funny enough/whatever enough to be what we want. In reviewing The List, a sense of empowerment came over me. I am NOT going to review this list in 10 years, with the same wants, dreams, and desires and wish I had done/said/ did. I spend WAY too much time: 1. Not enjoying and/or appreciating what I already have in my life and 2. Daydreaming about the life I want instead of doing the damn thing and LIVING the life that I want. And that stops NOW. Because when I watch another feel-good-about-yourself movie a few years from now, I want to pull out that same list. Except then, there’ll be check marks next to the items on it.

You can read more from Julie here.

Feel the burn.

Burnout. You hear that term all the time. Thrown around with the casualty of an old sweater, perhaps used to explain a co-workers sudden resignation or a favorite website shutting down. It needs little  explanation. Gossip seekers ask ‘what happened?’ to which you  reply that single word, that conveys the entire back story. A story we all understand and can fully appreciate. You say “Burnout”. Heads nod and you hear ‘oh yeah of course’ from the peanut gallery. No more details requested.

I am personally fascinated by those who burnout. I work hard at what I do, and while I have most certainly have felt the BURN I have never, not once wanted totally OUT. I wonder then if those among us who quit their jobs at the law firm, shut down their websites or even take off for the Bahama’s without telling a soul are really just walking away from something their heart wasn’t into in the first place. Perhaps they got into it, thinking they could handle what was required to make it a success only to decide that they were not passionate enough to make it happen. When you have no passion for what you are doing, then each effort, chore and element becomes another trying expense of energy. Like climbing a never-ending staircase; it is hard and it will wear you out unless you simple love the climb itself.

Secretly, when I hear of others who ‘burnout’, I smile. I do not waste one moment of sympathy on their mental explosion and exhaustion. I am happy they can now go find the thing that they love enough to never even consider giving up. They are free now to find the job or hobby that they can fully connect to on a level that transcends the concept of ‘burning out’. They will find their passion and love that will burn so bright, that it can not be extinguished. Not by endless hours of effort or discouraging results. They will press on just for the love of PRESSING ON. Sometimes buring out is less about giving up, than it is about GIVING IN. Just finally coming to terms with the fact that you are not enjoying the climb.  Of course competitively I also smile when I hear of a case of burnout, because it helps to reinforce my own personal resolve to continue on. To continue taking step after step up that never-ending staircase. Never once thinking I will reach the top ….but still knowing that with every step I have continued my path and have continued to push forward. For me it is not about reaching the summit, but it is about knowing I am one step higher each and everyday I move forward. Forward towards goals that are fantastical and ridiculous to some, and equally impossible and improbable to others.

But I am okay with those odds. Because I am just as happy climbing those exhaustive stairs as I am reaching the top.

Maybe even more.

I am boat-pregnant. Raise the mainsail.

I’m boat-pregnant.  I’m not big-as-a-boat pregnant, because if I was,  I’d be crying somewhere and not writing this piece.

If I think I want something badly, but it’s a long-term goal,  I put it in a hyphen with the word pregnant next to it.  It helps me sift through what’s an ego goal and what’s really something I want.

So, I’m boat-pregnant.

I’m assuming that I’ll have to work for my boat.

To sweat.

To endure cold gel on my belly and people looking at my insides.

I may have to endure a speculum.

This boat had better be something I really want.

No Zippers

This is why the uterus does not have a zipper. If uteri had zippers, our population would be nonexistent.

If you have been pregnant, you know that there was a day when you wanted to get away from it.  You want to put your little black dress on and go out and have a cocktail and not feel like you’ve been overtaken by the spawn within you.

It’s normal.

Just like skipping the gym once leads to a 3-month hiatus, I know that I’d put that baby cocoon somewhere and forget about getting back to creating my child. I’d find it 10 years later in the back of a closet, and I’d feel really bad.

Nature fixed that problem by not allowing womb zippers.  Good Job, Nature!

A goal has to be so good that you don’t ever want to stop.  It has to be so delicious that at some point, it will temporarily take you over.

Hyphen-Pregnant

Okay, back to the hyphen-pregnant goal thing…

So, Fame-pregnant? Not a fit. I can’t begin to sign up for that.

Money-pregnant? Hmm…I like money.

Boat-pregnant? Yes.  Oh yes.  I want a 40-foot ketch and a slip to match.

Feel that? Feel that visceral urge? That’s a goal worth having.

The best part of pregnancy

Whether you are boat pregnant or baby pregnant, it’s only the beginning. Post-pregnancy is still at the beginning of the journey. This is just gestation.

What do you say Yes. Oh Yes. to?

We, at the Smartly want to know.  Do you desire a career-pregnancy? A kitchen-pregnancy? An honest-t0-goodness baby pregnancy (remember, no zippers)?

P.S.

My sweetheart and I are naming our boat, Wichita.  It’s the name of a city to which neither of us have been.  We’re naming our boat, Wichita, because we were once in a Las Vegas Harley-Davidson Diner, talking about having children.

Brian asked me what we would name our child if we had one.  I looked down at the map under the glass on our table. It was a map of Kansas.  So I said, Wichita (because I had been drinking).

And at that moment, we realized that we should not have children together.  Because we’d give them ridiculous names.

But it’s good enough for a boat.

Grab that pendulum, baby. And don’t let go.

Sometimes I stop and think about my life. This happens most often when I’m trying desperately to put off whatever adult responsibility is screaming my name at the time…oh, what is that you’re saying, Mr. Pile of Laundry? Come clean me? Pffffft. Hold your horses. I have thoughts, dammit.

Anyway. Today I was pondering the funny (funny as in HA HA JUST KEEP LAUGHING AND IT WILL ALL BE OK) way my life has gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, back and forth, side to side, like a metronome perched atop a piano. Tick. Happy. Tock. Sad. Tick. Rich (ok, not rich, how about comfortable?). Tock. Poor. Tick. Married. Tock. Divorced. And so on.

And as I thought about it, I heard that little woe is me song starting up again. Thinking, oh how nice it would be if that pendulum, just once, would stop in the middle. Just to be gray instead of black or white. Let me have that suburban, white picket fence life that we’re all supposed to work towards. Let me catch my breath, and wallow in an average, mediocre, run-of-the-mill life for the rest of my days.

But then I thought: No. No way. I remembered how just about every defining moment of my life has happened when I was immersed in one extreme or the other. I can’t think of a single experience or emotion I have gone through when life was on auto-pilot that has made me who I am.

During the highs, I have made love, made babies, made friends… made decisions that resulted in some of the best things I have in my life.

In the lows I have confronted my demons and I have seen things that made me fight for my life and the lives of my kids. I have firsthand knowledge of how bad things can get, and that is what motivates me to strive for a better existence every single day.

You know what I did in the middle? Transplanted hostas and lilies. Made dinner menus. Folded laundry. No doubt, these things are the potatoes in the stew of life, they provide filler and without them you’d have less substance. But they don’t add the flavor. They aren’t the meat.

My favorite people are those with stories to tell. The ones who, on the surface, look like Average Joe or Mimi, the Stepford Mom. But sit a while with some of them, dig below the surface, and you will find tales of epic proportions. Stuff that will blow your mind. You learn things about these people that leave you wanting to hug them, walk with them, buy them a drink. These people are the ones who stick in your mind and in your heart. These are the people who have spent a good chunk of their lives swinging to and fro. I want to be one of these people.

Of course I will still hang out in the middle sometimes. Because it’s hard to catch up on my t.v. and use my Ped Egg when things are a-swingin’. But with any luck, these visits to blissfully boring will remain brief. And the next time I feel that pendulum starting to lurch one way or the other, I won’t dig my heels in quite so hard. I will grab it, and see where it takes me.

I may even keep my eyes open this time.

I am going to be a ‘first person’

I am realizing the importance of being the first. Not the first like winning a race or the being the first in a little league championship, but more like being the first person to do something.

Recently while walking thru a modern art museum, one of my kids said, while pointing to a graphic square of yellow on a white canvas ‘hey, I could totally do that!’ and I had to give a little art lesson, in my best museum hushed civilized parent voice about how some art is considered great because it was THE FIRST to be done in a particular manner.  We talked about Warhol and Picasso and all the rest….and I emphasized that these works are not necessary revered for the skill it took to create them, but rather the creativity that motivated the artist to create them in the first place.

(BTW this fits nicely with my Dooce theory as well. That she is popular not based on quality content, but on the fact that she was one of the first female bloggers…but I digress.)

In the last 2 years I have sat by as I watched several of my ideas and plans, have been  stolen away from me.  Maybe it was something I might have mentioned that I was going to do/create/plan to a new friend at a blog conference or even ideas chatted over cocktails with fellow blogging/media friends. Ideas that the other individuals took and ran with, and didn’t look back. And in another case, I watched as someone ran with an idea that I had not even vocalized yet- but I had thought about it, and built a proposal plan for….but, and this is the important part, but I DIDN’T ACT ON IT FAST ENOUGH. (That is one I may never get over. Because really- what the hell was I waiting for?)

So why this photo for this post?

Well, every time I see these shelves at Urban Outfitters I wonder about the crazy person who walked out of a thrift shop with armfuls of  25cent figurines, clocks and ashtrays , with the intention of recreating them for the 20 something crowd to decorate their dorm rooms and Ikea laden apartments. All for huge profits. I think about that crazy person. And I think…WHAT A GENIUS. Not because he thought of it. But because he had the nerve to actually DO IT.

And so now, I am committing to acting on my ideas.

Here is to 2010 bringing new site concepts, iPhone apps, and publishing of my books. And you know what else I am committed too? Keeping my mouth shut. I gotta stop telling everyone my plans I guess. Even people I thought would never steal from me- well, they did. With a smile on their face. Next time someone says, “don’t worry I got your back”. I will know that they mean “so I can stab you  in it.”

Oh and when I finished my little speech to my kids that day in the museum, they just looked up and asked when we were going to lunch. I am starting to think the speech did more good for me than them. I really need to listen to myself more often I think.

testing 1, 2, 3

this is a test of the emergency awesome system…this is only  a test.

Why I’m done summing up people in a sentence… (Draft)

If you were the person driving by my house this morning at 3 am, you saw me, barefoot and braless in a tank-top with the word trust stamped on the front of it, chasing my pit bull through my ice-covered yard.

You might have heard me, whispering in a hiss, “Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what time it is?”

She is a dog. She has no idea what time it is.

The moon was high in the sky, serene, and its light blanketed the shiny green leaves of the rhododendrons. She did not stare with interest upon me, but preferred the view from way up there.

I grabbed Olive’s leash, dragged her inside, said “Don’t even look at me.” and crawled into bed.

Then, I started thinking about the pathology we use to describe our loved ones this time of year.

Who’s Family is the Screwiest?

Sometimes, with my friends, I feel like we’re in a contest as to who has the most screwed-up family.

I don’t really have a dog in this hunt.

Yes, I can spin a story about a burned turkey winged across a snow-covered yard with a super-human strength usually saved to pull burning cars off of children.

I can tell you how the first time I met Brian’s Uncle Ed, he showed me the stitches from his recent prostate surgery.

We sum up our loved ones with stories and diagnoses. OCD. ADHD. YKM (You’re Killing Me).

I categorize mine this way: Good, Annoying and Mixed Bag.

And I say that, like it means something, “Oh, you know, she’s a mixed bag.”

What does that mean? Mixed Bag.  That term is so vague.

Why do we do this?

And what are they saying about me?

It might be better if we were dogs. I get the feeling that dogs don’t do this sort of thing.
I don’t think a dog’s dinner party would go like this:

“I think her OCD is pretty bad now. She turned 20 circles before she laid down last night.”

“You should have seen him at the dog park last week. He was sniffing tail like there was no tomorrow.”

“He’s a chronic poop eater. It’s chronic.”

I think this is why we act with pure abandon around dogs. We know they aren’t going to turn to their friends and sum us up in a sound bite.

If Olive were the kind of dog that had a bar to frequent, and a martini to down,  she would not say, “There was old Booby Pilloud chasing me around the yard again like a madwoman. The neighbors think she’s a nutter, and they don’t have to live with her.”

We are not the little stories we tell about each other.

I am not a sound bite. Neither are you.

A problem occurs when we see people as their summed-up little story. That is the problem of expectation. They are their story. How can they be different?

I never want to be summed up.

I am always changing. So are you.

I always have potential. So do you.

I got up and took a shower. I walked out of the bathroom to find a waggly dog at my feet. She was not seeing me as the crazy lady who whisper-shrieked across our temporary tundra this morning.

She was seeing me in the moment. And at that moment, she wanted to get on our bed and take all the covers.

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